A vision of being love,

by Kalini

I was happy about my work, writing a book about being a woman, being a human; the words were flowing from me ….. and then it all stopped. I was incapable of putting one more word on paper. Not one drop of juice came out of the lemon, no matter how hard I squeezed. I asked for help to heal whatever it was inside me that prevented me from going on.

I saw myself in a kind of misty nothingness and I felt the space between my molecules getting bigger. My cells were slowly spreading out. I lost sense of being one body; I still felt like one. All my little pieces were spread out everywhere and I felt every one of them. A big oil painting turned up in front of me. A beautiful painting of a family picnic; they had spread out a big white table cloth on a lush green meadow. There was a forest in the back to the left and to the right, far out, I saw the ocean. I could see myself in the painting. I was a tiny red spot in the trees amongst the leaves. It was like a dew drop catching light from the sun, bending only the red light. I saw myself in that light. I saw myself in the ocean too; I saw that I had been a water drop when I came. I saw that I had melted into the whole, and yet I still had all the little memories of me, of my truth. They were wherever I was, in all the little pieces; like a hologram.

The oil painting changed. It sort of became alive – like an old movie, and I saw myself amongst the ants trying to find my way into the baskets of food – especially the big square one was very tempting to get into. I saw myself in the eyes of the old man, the grandfather. I saw myself in the eyes of the old woman, the grandmother. And I saw myself in the children playing around; I was in their eyes too. I saw myself in the love everywhere, and I realized that I am love. No matter where I go, I am love. This was very touching and I felt a tear in my eyes as I felt with every cell of me that I really am love! This was not about that I love, or am being loved. This was about the much more simple, - being love! I had to be dissolved to see that. I could see that even being a rain drop could still make me loose direction. If I felt I were the only rain drop, it would be hard to find out where to go; water is needed many places. I would use my strong rain drop mind to prevent me from falling. I would circle around, I would fly the sky, but I wouldn’t be soaring. I would be flying without direction with a feeling that I was left alone and that it was up to me! I would turn into a rain drop with an ego! I could see and feel the difference. Just letting go; no expectations; it wasn’t my responsibility. My responsibility is  ….. to be! And that is not really a responsibility; that is a gift; the most beautiful gift ever.

My attention was turned back to the painting. I sensed myself everywhere; not as a water drop, but as a part of a big wonderful painting. I saw the difference between God and man. We paint an oil painting; a beautiful painting – but it is without life. When God paints – the trees are alive, the water is rolling, the people can smile, laugh, cry and eat, and sleep and love; the food can be tasted, the flowers can be smelled, the music can be heard; we can feel the touch – and it is the touch of God. All we have to is to BE! ….. BE LOVE! That is the highest and the lowest, the most of everything, the center. I saw how we have all the pieces. We have really been given Paradise here on Earth. To see it, to be in it – all we have to do is being!

I opened my eyes and looked around ….. and every little thing I saw was filled with love.

I was deeply touched. I felt like a child seeing snow for the first time. The difference between being filled with love and being love was immense. I can never thank enough for being allowed to experience this.

During this I found a huge shift inside me, a shift that had come very slowly and very gently … I hadn’t really noticed it before. Now I saw it clearly. I can use the word “God” without feeling embarrassed. I can talk about God with love and confidence. Strange; I grew up in a country with a widely spread Christian church. As a young teenager I moved with my family to a small town, where Christian beliefs were strong, and the church people ruled the town behind the scene. From my earliest childhood I was told to do my evening prayer every night just before going to sleep. My mom or dad would watch me, making sure I didn’t forget. I said the wanted prayer as fast as I could; some times tasting the words; some times just seeing how fast I could say them. It meant absolutely nothing to me, but I didn’t mind either. It was a duty, just like I had to clear the table after dinner. I went to church school for children on Sundays, and as 14 year old I had my confirmation. I was now a grown up member of the Christian church …. and I was incapable of using the word “God”! God was outside me. God was a stranger. God was a lot of rules and codes of behavior. God was a priest who didn’t like women…. and who literally threw out a few of my class mates when they asked for an interview with him about women becoming priests in the church. He wouldn’t even answer. He got so upset. That was God. I came to a conclusion that I didn’t believe in God…. and still I couldn’t take the word “God” in my mouth. I am very happy and very grateful that I can use the word “God” today. And because God is God, it is no mans job to define God. It is no mans job to interpret God. It is no mans job to be a messenger from God. No one or everyone, there is no difference; but not some one. Sharing is wonderful and dignified. Disempowering people by pretending to empower them is a man thing and not a God thing. Who would ever dare to rule over others in the name of God? I find this is the biggest blasphemy of all… interfering and controlling other people’s lives in the name of God. That is hilarious beyond words.

Today I feel proud of being allowed to be … and humble in the knowing that I know absolutely nothing.